Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Life is so much better after having sex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
