i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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