Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
