my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
