omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
