I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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