I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
