If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We need a shit load of segways right now
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
