Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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