i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
