I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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