I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
