Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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