Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
