Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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