Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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