You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the day after is always just damage control
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
