and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
