i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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