I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
