so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Text me some of your sweat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
