Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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