I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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