you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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