I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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