So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm getting married
To pizza
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
