i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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