please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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