Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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