I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
