Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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