make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
