There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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