flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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