I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
