Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
