I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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