we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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