capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
