Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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