you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
