Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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