with your own penis?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
