I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
