She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
