Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
