Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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