Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
