i will never coherently bang her
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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