we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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