no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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