I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
