I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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