Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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