I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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