you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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