I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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